Make it sound like you · Alberta Grade 6 · maddyhelps.com
Name
Date
This paragraph is correct, but flat. Count the tired words, then rewrite it so it sounds like a real person was there: sharper verbs, one detail you can see or hear, and sentences that don't all start the same way.
We went to the lake on Saturday. It was a nice day. We went swimming and it was good. Then we went to get ice cream. The ice cream was good. Then we went home. It was a nice day.
“went”:
“good”:
“nice”:
Which words start more than one sentence?
My revision
For the grown-up
Revise for voice
“went” 4 times, “good” 2 times, “nice” 2 times. Sentences starting with the same word: It (2), Then (2), We (2). One revision: “On Saturday we raced down to the lake. The water was so cold it made me gasp, but I swam out to the raft anyway. Afterwards, dripping and starving, we lined up for mint-chip cones before the long drive home.” Any revision with stronger verbs, a real detail and varied starts is right.
Grade 6's writing outcome says refine and adjust, and this is what it means. Revising is changing what the writing does; fixing spelling is a separate, later step.